A Christmas Story
by Safiya
Summary: Malik's first Christmas... need I say anymore. Eventual pairings... I'm just not sure which ones yet! Rated M for later chapters... may contain language, citrus scenes, and overall bad stuff.


Safiya: I know it's a bit early for Christmas stuff... But I needed to put something up, as I'm stuck on Faith and the Fallen... See the big block? points to huge writers block Yup... so enjoy this story while I try and get up another chapter for Faith and the Fallen...

...At Malik's House (Malik's Point of View)...

Man, I hate it when Ishizu goes shopping. She takes FOREVER! And, on top of that, I'm usually the one that has to baby-sit my stupid yami.

/I heard that, hikari-mine./

/Will you get out of my head/

/But yami-darkness is bored.../

/To bad, so sad./

/That's what I thought. Now, go away/

Good grief! My yami can be REALLY annoying at times. Actually, he's annoying all the time.

/Shut up, hikari-mine. That wasn't nice./

/WILL YOU GET OUT OF MY HEAD/

/Make me./

/I will! Just let me find the Rod/

/Eep/

Stupid yami... Anyway, Ishizu went shopping for a... "Christmas tree". Whatever that is. And "egg nog", "gingerbread", and "poinsettias". I don't know what they are, but they sound scary. Especially this "egg nog". It sounds evil... very evil. But, they all have something to do with a "Christmas". It sounds very scary. Apparently, some huge, fat man squishes himself down your chimney and steals all your cookies! In Egypt, we never did anything so barbaric.

/Hikari-mine/

/What _now_/

/Um... I lit Ishizu-sister's dress on fire./

/That's nice, Marik.../

So... Wait a minute. Did he just-

/YOU DID WHAT/

/I didn't mean to/

/Please don't tell me it was the red one that Odion gave her./

/Then, I won't tell you it was the one that Odion-brother gave to her./

/MARIK/

At Ryou and Bakura's House (normal PoV) 

"Bakura, you can't put knives on the Christmas tree."

"Why not?"

Ryou sighed deeply. He'd been trying to explain to his yami for the past fifteen minutes what you could and could not put on a Christmas tree. So far, he'd managed to convince Bakura that handcuffs, his pet snake, pants, and the fire extinguisher did not belong on the tree.

"Because, Bakura, you do not put lethal weapons of mass destruction on a Christmas tree."

"Oh. That's a stupid rule." Bakura sat down on the living room floor in front of the tree and glared at it.

Ryou rolled his eyes and walked into the kitchen to check on his cookies. He stopped and stared in shock at what was probably ONCE a kitchen. Flour covered all flat surfaces and dirty, goopy dishes were piled high in the sink. Cabinets were slung open and most of their contents dumped onto the linoleum floor. Five bags of sugar lay empty and shredded on the kitchen table and there were chocolate smears everywhere.

After getting over the initial shock of seeing his kitchen in shambles, Ryou's disbelief quickly turned to anger. There was only one person that was capable of such destruction and that was...

"YAMI AKEFIA BAKURA!"

From the living room, Bakura heard his other half's cry of rage, and he guessed that Ryou had found the after-effects of Bakura's failed attempts at making cookies. Being the wise little tombrobber that he was, Bakura decided it would be in his best interests if he left before his rage-driven other half found him and decided to have roast tombrobber instead of turkey for Christmas dinner.

...At Malik's House(Malik's PoV) ... 

I can't believe it. I am so dead. Well, actually, Marik's the one who's dead. He was the one who burnt Ishizu's favorite dress to a crisp, not me. I told Ishizu to hide the matches, but did she listen? Nooo. As if the first twenty million times that Marik's lit something on fire wasn't enough...

/Oh, come on, hikari-mine. It's not THAT bad./

/Marik, you burnt Ishizu's favorite dress TO A CRISP/

/Okay... Maybe it is that bad./

/All I can say is: you'd better stay wherever the hell you're hidden, 'cause Ishizu's going to torture you and make you die a slow and PAINFUL death./

/...Hikari-mine? Did I ever tell you that you're my favorite other half/

/Marik, I'm your _only_ other half./

/Oh, well, if I had another one, you'd be my favorite./

/It's your butt that'll be getting fried, not mine./

/But, but--/

/No buts. You got yourself into this mess, you can get yourself out of it./

/Hikari-mine is a meanie.../

/I know... Life's tough; get a helmet./

Ah, sweet silence. Life is good when Marik is silent. You want to know why? Because then you don't have a psycho Malik running around with a frying pan trying to whack off his baka yami's head. That's why.

Anyway, back to this... "Christmas". The only good thing that comes this barbaric holiday is that, apparently, the big, fat man that squishes himself down your chimney and steals your food actually leaves you things in return. Hm... maybe he'll leave Marik a muzzle.

_DING DONG_!

Yipe! Ra, I hate that confounded contraption! It's always _ding_ing when I'm in the middle of very important thinking!

_DING DONG_!

All right! All right! I swear, whoever keeps _ding_ing that Ra-cursed door is going to get a fist in his or her face!

_BAM_!

Oops. Heh heh. Sorry, Bakura... EEP! No, not the hair! Ouch! Cut it out, you baka! Aaaaah!

/Having fun, hikari-mine/

/Shut up, yami./

/Got it. Tell the rabbit-thief I said hi./

/Will do./

Ack! Bakura has a really good grip. I think he may have left a mark. Good. I hope Ishizu notices and goes all psycho on him. That'd serve the baka tombrobber right. Well, AFTER he stopped trying to rip out all of my hair, Bakura decided to go terrorize my yami. Good riddance. I hope they both light themselves on fire or something...

I'd better go check and make sure they haven't killed each other. Not that I wouldn't mind if they both killed each other; they'd probably be doing the rest of the free world a favor, actually. But, Ishizu just had the carpets cleaned, and I don't think that she'd like it if she found any _speck_ of blood or bodily organs on her nice, new, clean carpets.

I walked into Marik's and found, to my surprise (well, not really) that they both really had lit themselves on fire. I thought I took away all of the lighters... It was kind of amusing to watch Bakura and Marik run around with their hair and butt, respectively, lit on fire. To my disappointment, Marik managed to put out his butt in a few seconds by sitting completely in his toilet. Ew... But, Bakura's hair was still lit. He kind of looked like a human torch. Mind you, I was still cackling insanely throughout this whole episode.

Just when I thought I'd die laughing from watching Bakura run around, screaming like a little girl, going, "Put it out! Put it out!" Marik was kind enough to save what was left of Bakura's hair. It was actually kind of smart and a very fast reaction coming from my yami. Here's what happened:

While Bakura was running around screaming, Marik launched a HUGE glob of spit onto Bakura's head. I don't want to know where he managed to conjure up that much saliva in such a short amount of time, but I have to admit that it DID look pretty cool. I mean, Bakura was just standing there in total and utter shock, staring up at this HUGE orb of spit that was sitting on his head. I wish I had my camera.

Bakura looked really pissed, not that I'd blame him. I'd probably be pretty pissed if Marik spit in my hair, too. You really don't want to know what's been in my yami's mouth, either. Once, I caught him trying to eat a pair of my socks. Those were my favorite socks, too... Damn you, Marik.

:sniff:

Hey! Bakura watch it! Not the lamp! Not the lamp!

_CRASH_!

Aaaaw shee-it... Now Ishizu is really going to hurt me. Not only did I let Marik light her favorite dress on fire, but I let that baka tombrobber break one of her favorite lamps. Ra must hate me. That's the only explanation I can think of.

"Malik? I'm home!"

Why me? Okay, Malik, this would be an excellent time to think of a plan, and not a crappy one like "Hey-let's-try-and-become-pharaoh-of-all-the-world-by-using-Duel-Monster-cards!" Boy, was that a stupid plan, but you have to give me credit for originality. I mean, how many villains have ever tried to do that? Huh?

"Malik?"

Plan. Right. Okay...

"Marik," I said, "get in the closet. Tombrobber, out the window."

Well, things didn't go as smoothly as I had planned. I had to end up shoving Marik into the closet and locking it, and then I had to kick the tombrobber out of the window, literally. I hope he broke something on the way down... Then I remembered, 'Oh yeah! Ishizu!'

I leapt down the stairs two at a time and ended up tripping on the last one. Marik left a can of gasoline on the stairs. I'll have to hide that later. I walked into the kitchen at what I hoped was a casual and nonchalant pace. Oh, big word... Nonchalant... Hm. Okay.

Anyway, Ishizu was standing there in the kitchen with this huge smile stuck on her face. I knew right then and there that I was doomed, totally and utterly doomed.

"H-hey, sister," I stammered, edging slowly towards the doorway. But, alas, I was not fast enough, for Ishizu swooped down on me like a crocodile lunging in for the kill. She clamped her arms around me in a vise-like grip. Now I know what poor, innocent rodents feel like when a ball python strangles them. I wonder if Ishizu wants to eat me...

"Oh, brother," she squealed. Squealed? I didn't know my sister was capable of... squealing. "I bought the most wonderful Christmas tree today. Why don't you go get Marik so you both may help me bring it in?"

Um, Ishizu, that's kind of easier said than done. But because I love you and because you're my only other living flesh and blood, I will try. I may fail, but I will try. Now, I actually didn't say that to my sister, but I sure as hell was thinking it. Being the lovable little brother that I am, I went upstairs to get my deranged yami out of the closet.

As luck would have it, Marik was not in the closet when I got up there. He wasn't under my bed, he wasn't drinking out of the toilet, and he wasn't digging through the trash cans either. 'Damn' was the first thought that popped into my head; the second thought that popped into my head was 'Oh crap, Marik is loose in the neighborhood. The world is in incredible danger. This is a job for... MIGHTY MALIK! Dun, dun, dun, DUN!'

And so Mighty Malik dashed back downstairs to begin his search for his psycho yami. But his plan was thwarted by the appearance of... INFAMOUS ISHIZU! Why am I referring to myself in the third person? I don't know, maybe Marik is starting to rub off on me or something...

Back on track. Ishizu did stop me on my way to find Marik. She asked me where said crazy other half was, and I replied that he had ran outside and that I was on my way to retrieve him. Maybe I didn't exactly word it like that. It was more of, "Oh my Ra! Marik is loose in the city! I have to find him before he tries to take over the world or something!"

Before Ishizu could say anything, I made my speedy exit out of the house and got about half-way down our street before I realized that it was the middle of winter, and it was probably not very smart to be running around in the middle of winter in nothing but a pair of jeans. So I ran back up the street, into my house, up the stairs, grabbed a shirt and some socks, pulled them on, slipped on some shoes (I think they were Odion's, 'cause they were kind of big), and ran back outside.

Despite that little detour I felt that I was making good time. By now, Marik could've only finished plotting his plan for world domination and possibly have started terrorizing the innocent people of Domino City.

:pause:

I'd better hurry. Why does it have to be so hard to run? I mean, I'm a pretty fit seventeen-year-old boy, but I HATE running. I'd rather take a camel or my motorcycle. Motorcycle would be preferable to a camel though. My motorcycle! Why didn't I think about hopping on my motorcycle?

:sigh:

Ra must really hate me: my yami lights my sister's favorite dress on fire, the stupid tombrobber broke my sister's favorite lamp, I lost my yami, forgot my socks, didn't think to get on my motorcycle so now I'm stuck running through the streets of Domino, and I didn't even get to eat breakfast!

WAH!

:pause:

Hey, is that Marik? I made my way over to the park where I heard the cries of children and Marik's "evil" cackle. I found him making silly faces at two little kids, making them scream in fright.

"Marik!" I screamed. "Get away from them!"

He paused and looked at me. "Oh, hello, hikari-mine. I'm playing with the tiny people! See!"

Just then, the children's mother appeared and protectively (or possessively) shielded her children from my deranged yami, who happens to act like he has the I.Q. of a three-year-old. Geesh, being sent to the Shadow Realm for about a year can really mess you up. Luckily I was only there for a few days, so I'm only slightly deranged. My therapist says that I'm getting better, though.

Anyway, this kind of creepy lady with bug eyes, no lips, and poofy orange hair shooed her children behind her, murmuring, "Stay away from that crazy, ugly boy."

Marik, of course, heard her. "What is 'oogly', hikari-mine?" he asked, blinking up at me.

My patience was short, on account of me having to run halfway across the city to find Marik and various other things (see above), so my answer was short and to the point:

"It means you have a face that frightens small children."

For added emphasis, I jammed my finger in the direction of the kids that cowered behind their strange mother. Marik looked from them to me a few times and blinked.

"Oh," he said in this small voice. "They're scared of me?"

I nodded. And then, Marik got this really scary look on his face, the kind that makes you want to run home and crawl under a blankie and never come out. Which is exactly what I wanted to do when I looked at him.

"FEAR ME, MORTALS!" he screeched, chasing the mother and children out of the park and down the street.

He has been hanging around Bakura WAY too much.

I let out a heavy sigh and plodded after my psycho other half, hoping that he didn't cause a traffic jam... again.

...Three hours later...

My Ra! My feet are killing me!

After chasing Marik through most of Domino City, I eventually herded him home, only to find the tombrobber and his other half standing in my kitchen.

"Oh no," I said. "Oooooh no. Tombrobber, you are going to march your skinny ass outside and go terrorize the rest of the free world, because you sure as hell aren't staying here."

Bakura then stuck out his tongue and blew me a raspberry. He can be so childish...

Ryou just sat there and blinked his BIG chocolate eyes up at me. It's kind of hard to say something nasty to a person with such big, round eyes. Might I point out that neither the tombrobber, the pharaoh, nor my other half have big, round eyes.

"Um... why are you here, Ryou-kun?" I asked. That was the polite version. What I really wanted to say was, What the hell are you people doing in my house! But I figured that might make Ryou burst into tears or something, and then Ishizu would go into maternal-girly-mode and comfort him, and then they'd both get all weepy, and then Marik would light something on fire (probably himself), and then the tombrobber would take over the world.

Wow, I just saved the world, if you think about it.

It took me a minute to realize that Ryou had actually replied to my question, since I'd been deep in thought.

"Bakura blew up my kitchen, and your sister offered to have us over here for Christmas dinner."

Marik immediately looked over at Bakura. "You blew up the kitchen?"

"Yeah," said Bakura, trying (not really) not to look smug.

"How'd you do that?" Marik wanted to know.

After that I pretty much stopped paying attention because the Ra-cursed doorbell rang.

DING DONG!

I ran to the door, mostly to silence the dinging thing, but I also wanted to see who else could possibly stop by to make my day worse.

It was the pharaoh and his other half. Should I have been surprised? Probably not. In fact, I think I could've found out that Ryou was a girl and that wouldn't have fazed me at all. (I have my suspicions about him...)

So I opened the door and stood there, looking at the pharaoh and thinking, "Man, I always thought the pharaoh of all Egypt would be taller..." Then Yuugi piped up and explained that their house was being exterminated and that Ishizu had invited them over for Christmas dinner.

My Ra, how many people was she going to invite?

I ushered them into my house like a good host, nonchalantly tripping the pharaoh in the process. (Note to self: find more uses for the word 'nonchalant'. I appear to be using it often.) The pharaoh glared at me, but there was nothing he could do to me. He usually fell victim to the big, round eyes as well, which I might add Yuugi is extremely good at pulling off.

I tried to make conversation, as much as it pained me to do so. "So, Yuugi-kun, why was your house being exterminated?"

"We had a cricket problem," he replied. "And Yami wouldn't stop screaming, so my jii-san called an exterminator and kicked us out."

I had this very wonderful mental picture of the pharaoh covered in crickets and screaming his little starfish head off, but the vision was short lived as I heard screams from the kitchen.

"YAMI!" squealed Ryou's voice.

"Cool!" came Marik's voice.

You know, right then and there I should have realized that I was dealing with a major crisis, but I still had portions of the cricket-covered pharaoh image in my mind. I ran into the kitchen, only to find the tombrobber running around like a turkey with its head cut off WITH a turkey on his head. Somehow, that baka tombrobber had managed to get his head through the hole where the turkey's head USED to be and he was running around, crashing into walls and eventually the pharaoh. (Which was pretty amusing in and of itself, until I realized we were supposed to be EATING that turkey.)

I didn't pay much attention to the blasted tombrobber after I pulled the turkey off and set it back on the counter (the turkey, not his head), because Ishizu walked into the kitchen.

"Oh good," she squealed. (There she goes again with the squealing.) "You're all here! Ryou-chan, would you please help me start cooking? You the only one I trust with our food," she continued, shooting a pointed glance at the tombrobber and my yami.

Ryou bobbed his snowy-white head in agreement, and then Ishizu shooed the rest of us out into the living room. It was here that the tombrobber and the pharaoh realized that they were within a twenty-foot radius of each other and immediately started bickering. I didn't really listen, though I'm sure some of the insults were good. (They've really been getting better at it. The pharaoh's been getting very creative: "albino, bunny-eared baka" was one of his better ones.)

I tried talking to Yuugi again, since I had no intention on making conversation with my yami. "So, you got kicked out of your house for just a few measly crickets? I thought the chirping was supposed to be soothing..."

Then, instead of Yuugi answering, the pharaoh had to go and stick his starfish head into the conversation. "No, you don't understand," he said. "These weren't the cute, wish-upon-a-star, Jiminy Crickets. These were more of the ugly, bug-eyed, mutant, take-over-the-human-race kind of crickets."

"You're over-reacting, Yami," replied Yuugi. "They didn't bother me at all. I think jii-san just got tired of hearing you scream."

The pharaoh crossed his arms. "And what makes you say that, Yuugi?"

"The fact that when you asked him where the insecticide was, and he told you it was in your soup."

"I checked and it wasn't there," the pharaoh retorted, a smug smile on his face.

Yuugi simply rolled his eyes, and I leaned over and whispered, "There's no hope for him, is there?"

He shook his head solemnly. The pharaoh shot a glare in my direction, but I just smiled sweetly.

Sucker... I looked over at where the tombrobber and my yami were off talking in the corner. I couldn't really tell what they were saying, but it didn't look legal. I walked over to check on what they were talking about, but then the tombrobber's Millennium Ring started glowing.

Before I knew what was happening, my yami had stripped totally naked and started running around the room.

"I'm INVISIBLE!" he shouted, whacking the pharaoh over the head and cackling insanely.

I sighed. "You're not invisible, you baka," I said. "You're just naked."

Marik, standing there in all of his naked... glory, looked at Bakura. "You said it would make me invisible," he pouted.

But Bakura was already laughing his little head off. I don't particularly see what was so funny about my yami streaking around in the buff, though.

/Go put your clothes back on, yami./

/But, hikari-mine, I can feel the breeze between my knees/

/Now, yami./

/Fine.../

Marik put his clothes back on (thank Ra) and went to sulk in a corner. Yuugi, who looked thoroughly traumatized at this point, disappeared into the kitchen and left me with the Three Stooges.

I tried to exit the room without drawing too much attention to myself, but, just as my foot was stepping on the first stair, that Ra-damned doorbell rang AGAIN!

I stomped over to the door, shoving my stupid baka of a yami over the side of the couch, where he landed with a very satisfying "crunch". I flung open the door and yelled, "What the fuckdo you want!"

I probably should have looked at who was standing in my doorway before yelling something like that, 'cause when I did actually look, I came face to face with an extremely pissed off CEO and his blinking, "I'm-so-cute-but-I-don't-know-it" little brother.

"Get out of my way," Kaiba snarled, rudely shoving me over and stepping into my house.

Just you wait... I'll get you my pretty, and your little god card, too! MWHAHAHAHA!

Ahem...

And yes, I DID take my medicine today.

Mokuba stood in the middle of my doorway for another second or two, before following his big brother inside. In turn, I followed the little munchkin into my kitchen, where Ishizu and Ryou were all ready hard at work cooking food.

"Oh," Ishizu said, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. "Nice of you to join us, Kaiba. I thought we would be waiting at least another hour for you."

Nice of Kaiba to join us? NICE? Insert gagging noise here. I certainly wasn't happy to see the pole-shoved-up-his-butt CEO or his too-cute-for-his-own-good little brother. They had a big fancy mansion! They had food! Why were WE feeding them?

No one ever listens to me.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

Safiya: I hope you like it. Please leave a review with suggestions for pairings... I have no idea which ones I want, lol. And they must be yaoi, seeing as I will not put anyone through the hell of being put with Anzu... shudders Anyway! Thanks for reading!


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